Some thoughts....

As I began my transition, it had more far-reaching effects.

And I am going to write about one of them.

In 1998, I ran into a man that I went to high school with. I couldn't stand him then, something about him just set my teeth on edge. But, meeting up with him again, after a few drinks before going to the club (I know, drunk, club. Should've been huge flags then), listening to him talk, he seemed like a really nice guy. Someone that I might want to get to know.

In 2009, I can tell you that the abuse that I suffered at the hands and mind of this man, just the previous paragraph shows all the red signs that I needed.

So I write this to say, for anyone, male or female that comes across this blog: Abuse is never okay. It is not your fault, unless of course you are the abuser, then it is your fault.

Ladies, if that guy is abusing you, and abuse doesn't have to be physical, mental abuse hurts just as much but is much more damaging, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Again, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. One more time, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

He's a loser. He is most likely not going to change and you know what else? He's not sorry. Those are crocodile tears. He's doing exactly what he knows you want to hear so that he can maintain control.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it's easy to leave. I stayed 2 1/2 years before being married to the bum for 6. I am still dealing with the after effects of the abuse. It's is hard, no doubt but how much fun would being dead be. I already felt mentally and emotionally dead, the only thing left for him was to take my life and that would've have been my fault too, in his opinion.

I know how it feels to wake up in the morning and not recognize yourself in the mirror. I woke up and not only did I not recognize myself, I couldn't have even told you how I ended up there.
I know how it feels to be hopeless, isolated, lost, lonely, and scared. I know what it feels like walking around on those eggshells, trying to control my behavior so I wouldn't get hit or yelled at. I feel you. I know how it feels to be dead on the inside, to the point of thinking that not even God was listening to me. But He was, and He created a way out for me. And He is listening to you too.

Too many of us are losing our lives to these losers, too many of us believe the load of crap they dish out.

If he has a pattern of hitting previous wives and girlfriends, guess what, he IS going to hit you too. You are not special and you cannot change him. GET OUT!

If he doesn't have a healthy relationship with his mother, chances are he IS not going to have a healthy relationship with you either. You are not special and you cannot change him. GET OUT!

If he is unsettled in his life, out of control, can't hold a job and always blaming others for his misfortunes, he IS going to blame you too. You are not special and you cannot change him. GET OUT!

Change comes from the individual person, not because YOU were special enough to cause it. You are not special and you cannot change him. LEAVE THE LOSER!

And one thing about these guys, the rarely hit other guys, only females. The are weak and looking to be in control of something, which usually means their mate, which usually means YOU.

My ex-husband still looks for ways to manipulate and control me. It's just how sad he is. He doesn't want me to tell my present husband about our conversations. Why? Manipulation and Control. Simple. It's hard, but it would've been harder to stay. He'd have either killed me or I'd have killed myself and I wasn't ready to die.

If you know that someone is being abused, speak up. The last these thing these abusers want is for their victim to know that they do have help and people that care about them.

And when you do get out, don't fall for the "let's go to counseling line." He doesn't mean counseling in the sense to get help, he's looking for another place to lay blame on you and get the counselor to agree. Don't fall for the "I was drunk", "I blacked out", "I don't remember", because I guarantee he remembers what set him off, and he'll only be to happy to tell you what you did or didn't do, in other words, lay the blame at your feet.

I write this because I have been through it. Get out and get help. I can breathe again, I can laugh and I can make and trust my own decisions. I wish the same for you.