So, I'm writing a reply on Nappturality.com and I start thinking.

Why has this journey to natural hair been so impacting?

Because my hair, like my life, is not straight. I cannot profess to be walking the straight and narrow. I am thankful to Allah (swt) everyday that I get another chance to try and straighten this all out. But then am I supposed to? And who's straight and narrow?

I have cheated on men. I have. But if the man in question was where he needed to be when there was need for him, the cheating wouldn't have happened. But then, who am I kidding? I made the choice, I cheated. Until I just got tired of it. Or until I'd been left alone so long that it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy come to manifest, and I was one of the vessels. I've made apologies for it, apologies I inevitably don't mean. I have cheated on men.

I've lied. I've lied to avoid just about anything I didn't particularly want to deal with. Simple. I've told lies for my safety. I've lied.

My life is not straight, I am tested and I fail. Sometimes I don't. It is what it is. But I guess since the creamy crack has had a chance to get out of my system, I am having clarity of thought as my hair gets kinkier and kinkier. In having to take the time and do my hair, to think about what's good for my hair, to look at other journeys, read books (ahhhh, the books) I've begun to think what is best for me, for my children, for us. And I've gotten tired of somethings, fired up about others, one of the most important being to make my hair look its nappy best.

Yeah, it's been a mess lol!

The straight years were the worst, let me tell you, the straight hair days. I can't imagine what I was thinking. I'd tried one of those relax and color kits at home one time, about three weeks later, after a bath that felt GREAT! When I turned around and looked at the water, I noticed a good amount of my hair running down the drain too. I can't even describe the red colored mess that greated me in the mirror. Only rivaled by the time I'd try wearing a weave glued into the back of my head and it got wet. Both times, I was with this guy that was cheating on me, repeatedly, openly, shoot, one girl would go and get our drinks. Where was I? At home, finding anoter way to screw my hair up, to look more attractive for this jerk.

Which led me to another jerk, just another flavor. The funny part is, it's exactly what I asked for, with just enough of a twist to let me know that is not the way you Ask for Things. Still straightening my hair, but a little smarter about it (if that can even be said), I got involved with a very damaging man. He's still looking for ways, truth be told. Since he didn't like fake hair, I didn't get my hair latch-keyed very much, although I enjoyed the style very much. So it was creamy crack for me, for 6 long years of burning out my hair in the back, where it's always been thin due to a perm put in my hair too young. The more I tried to keep up "apperances" the worst my personal life got.

But then the summer of 2007 arrived, and the road to freedom began.

I decided not to put perms in my hair anymore. I, just didn't want to. So I wore it in braids for a long time, with short periods of afros in between. Then I got curious about other ways to wear my hair. But let's first talk about, the stages.

I'd gotten re-involved with a gentleman I'd previously known, during the straight years. Always, unquestionable someone I'd let touch my hair, and he gave me a lot of time to sit and think, but he also gave me a lot of time to discover what makes me happy, smile, laugh, joke, feel comfortable....how do I want to be treated. I wore my braids through the awkward transition from perm to natural. My ends had a lot of protection and I got to retain a lot of growth. I didn't like messin with it to much anyway, you could just see the breakage. This time last year, it was half fro, half straight. It was a mess to try and comb through, still too vain for the BC, but with more natural length, I am begining to consider it. Where there's no more relaxer, in the shorter parts, my twists and twist outs are beautiful. I also became aware, that I no longer considered me sexy anymore. Now, that's a problem. For me anyway, I've always said that even if no one else would marry me, I would. And I wouldn't have taken me for dollar menu.

My personal life was a mess too. Problems with the gentleman, confusion on my own part, hair not being what it should. Sucked.

Where am I now? Sucks...but not as bad. I use all of my time a little more wisely. I don't really care why the gentleman is the way he is. I just know I'm tired of it. I've started wearing my hair in two strand twists, still retaining a lot of growth and hopefully by the end of the year, I will truly have all of the perm out. My reading has expanded. My library card is like my license, a must have when I leave the house. This blog, although nobody reads it, is a great release. And my chance to show at least me, me...but then, who else matters anyway right? So why write the blog, right? Because I want to. Who knows who will come across these ramblings and find interest.

Anybody out there on a journey, hair or otherwise, that can feel it. I hope.